If I die young
by give-me-tvd
Summary: It's funny, that when he tries to think about something that can help him, he thinks of her.


_It all happens in a flash, for a second he has a stake under his heart, as he looks to the eyes of his mother, then the stake is out, getting ready to go down once again, intending to go for the heart this time._

 _And it does, it goes for the heart, it's just not_ ** _his_** _heart._

... ...

An hour passes.

And another.

And another.

And he doesn't move from his chair, staring at the other one in front of him all the while, and he can swear that if he concentrated enough, if he tried so hard, he might actually see her right there.

But he already does, he has all those memories of her sitting in front of him in that chair, he can go back to anyone of them, to those times when she laughed nonstop, or to those times when she frowned as she thought about solving the new mystery with him.

She's laughing; right there, wrinkles forming around her eyes , and it makes him smile. Her hair is glowing in the bonfire light, he wants to reach for it and wrap it around his fingers, but he doesn't. He just wants to enjoy this picture of her, laughing, looking at him, breathing, _alive_.

She's no longer laughing, and her smile has fallen. He looks down and sees her hand reaching for his, then stroking the back of it.

And he feels it, he _almost_ feels it.

... ...

It's sunny, the breeze is cold, the sun is warm, it's a beautiful day.

And isn't ironic? Because it's always dark and rainy, there's always wind and a bonus if there's thunder.

He stands there, tears filling his blue eyes, his beautiful blue eyes.

Matt Donavan stands once more time on the grave of another friend. And you would guess that the pain would be less after all of this.

But it's not.

He takes a deep breath as she walks and stands next to him.

"How many times are we supposed to do this Bon?" He asks, his voice cracking, "How many times are we supposed to say goodbye to one of us."

"Is this even gonna stop?" He asks, now looking at her.

"I don't know." She says, her eyes never leaving the grave.

He sighs and looks back at the grave.

"Do you think she forgave me?" He asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

 _"Does it matter anymore?"_ she wants to say, she almost says it, but she holds it back. She just moves a step closer to him and rests her head on his chest, falling to his embrace as he puts his arms around her.

It's just them now.

... ...

"I said leave me alone." He says through gritted teeth as he attempts to walk pass him. But his brother pushes him back.

"Or what? Huh? What are you gonna do if I don't leave you?" He says, walking toward him as he looks on the floor.

"What are you gonna do Stefan?" He shouts, hands reaching to his shoulder to push him again. But he holds his wrist in his hand, "Stop it, Damon." He says.

"What if I don't? Are you gonna do something about it or you're just gonna wait for your blondie to come to you?" he shouts in anger.

"I said stop, Damon." Stefan pushes him hard.

"I'm not gonna stop, Stefan." He shouts back, "Not until you get out of the house and do something other than thinking about her."

Stefan shakes his head and turns around, closing his eyes.

"We both know that this is not what Caroline wanted for you." He says from behind him, and he suddenly finds himself pressed against a wall, hands pulling him from his collar.

"And where is she right now, huh? Where is she when I need her?" He shouts at him, his face getting closer to his, anger filling his bones, "You want me to get out of the house? To do what? The only person that I had in the whole world is gone, Damon." He says, "She's gone." He says in a whisper, before he pulls his hands back and walks away, going back to his chair.

Damon looks at him, and he has no more words to say.

He decides that he should walk out and leave him alone, more like, leave him with _her_.

... ...

He stands in front of her grave, he doesn't know how he ended up here, it was just another failure, another bump in the road.

But why would he visit her? They were never friends anyway.

He takes another sip from his bottle as he stands right there, in front of her grave.

"Things are awful here, never thought I would ever say this, but… things would be much better if you were here blondie." He says with a frown and furrowed eyebrows.

"I also never thought I would feel that, but I do miss you." He says, a sad smile pulling on his lips.

"And yes barbie, I do have human feelings, what a shock?" he rolls his eyes, and you could tell that he was about to smile but somehow, when he takes another look on the stone, when he sees only 'A friend.' written on it. He feels his stomach turning.

He shakes his head and turns around before walking away, "I know it's late, but… I'm sorry, Caroline, for everything."

... ...

 _He freezes for a moment, or maybe more. Her body is heavy on him, her head falling back so that her hair brushes his face. He doesn't see her face, and he can't tell for sure if it's a good or bad thing._

 _Her weight makes him lean even more on the wall, but he suddenly doesn't feel his legs, he feels nothing to be honest, but his legs, they don't carry him anymore._

 _He falls to the ground, and she falls along with him, the back of her head settling on his chest. His eyes wander from the stake in her heart, to the skin of her face, gray and cold._

 _He feels that the whole world has stopped; he can see nothing but her body in his hands, her dead body._

 _He can hear that stake flying into Lily's heart from behind. He can see the legs of Bonnie Bennett shaking as they walk to them, he can see Damon following her, but his eyes never leave her face._

... ...

His eyes shot open in the middle of the night, his body wet and tired. He feels as if he was running for hours and hours.

The room is dark, except for the thin blue light coming through the curtains, and it only makes him feel more tired, emptier, more alone.

He feels tired, more than ever. He wants the pain to go away, because this pain, the ache in his teeth, the silence in his brain, the hole in his heart, the pain of getting used to the pain, it kills him.

He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut, grits his teeth trying to shut the silent voices in his brain, trying to lose her picture, trying not to see her for once when he closes his eyes.

But it doesn't work, he loses a picture of her only to see another, and he gives up as that one tear falls from the corner of his eyes.

It's funny, that when he tries to think about something that can help him, he thinks of her.

... ...

She sits slowly on the ground, facing the same stone she's been visiting for months.

She puts down another flower, next to the many she's brought before, takes a deep breath and smiles.

"Oh, Caroline." She breathes out, "Things are awful without you." There is that humorless chuckle that leaves her lips before she takes another breath.

"Remember when you told Elena that I should have the best goodbye, because you were going to see her again?" She chuckles again, tears falling from her eyes, and she doesn't even bother to wipe them, "Ironic, huh?" She bits her lower lip, trying to steady her shaking breath.

"I can't do this, Caroline." She says, "Nothing is the same without you, the dorm is awful, I can no longer have that cake that you compelled for me in the cafeteria, no one throws a party like you do it's not even funny." She laughs at the end, but then she's crying, hard.

"I don't know how to do this without you, I don't know how to move on, I-I don't want to move on." She says, feeling the tears falling on her cheeks, her eyes burning from crying again.

Everything just seems, not worthy.

... ...

He opens his mouth as the fangs get out, getting ready to sink into her neck, another name to be added into the list.

His veins appear under his eyes, he lowers his head, getting closer to the pulse, almost losing himself to the blood, because it would be better if he felt guilty for losing control, than to feel guilty for…

And he sinks his teeth in her neck, tears dropping as well as the blood. He is doing all of this to forget about her, and yet he sees pictures of her.

He lifts his head and closes his eyes, leaving out another breath, tired, exhausted, done.

He feels fingers stroking his cheek. His face relaxes, his veins disappear.

"Stefan."

He hears her, and it's the same as the last time, nothing's changed.

He opens his eyes, and tears full suddenly from his eyes.

"This isn't you, Stefan." She says, "You're better than this."

He shakes his head slightly, but she nods to assure him, "Remember what you've been through to get to here, don't lose yourself again." She says, a light smile on her lips.

He nods with her, tears still falling from his eyes. She breathes in and out, and he does the same thing with her.

In and out.

It's that easy, he just has to keep breathing till it's no longer difficult.

In and out.

... ...

 _His hands cop her face, his fingers open wide, trying to touch every inch of that face that used to smile._

 _His vision is blurring, he sees nothing, and he can feel his tears falling on her face. One hand tangled in her hair, the other holding her hand, cold, dead._

 _"Caroline?" it's a whisper when it leaves his mouth, nothing that he controlled, but his throat is dry and the words can't leave his lips._

 _"Caroline?" He says again, his voice lower than the first time. His hands shaking her a bit, trying to wake her, as if he could._

 _It's annoying, that feeling in his gut that just wants her eyes to open._

 _He just wants her to look to him once more._

 _Just once more._

... ...

He's standing in the middle of the grass, watching her as she spins and jumps around him in her white dress. Her laughers force him to smile.

She runs to him and holds his hand, pulling him to run with her.

She's laughing like a kid, her curls falling over her shoulders. She stops in front of him and takes a step closer, her hands cupping his face as she leans her forehead to his.

They both stand silent for a while, just smiling, breathing the scent of each other.

"Are you really with me?" he whispers, looking into her eyes.

"I've been always with you." She whispers back.


End file.
